“I’d done a radio interview, early in the morning with the band in 2003. I was walking through the halls of this radio station and I saw U2 and The Police and Metallica; all these giant bands who had Platinum records all over the walls and I was like ‘Wow, what does it take to write a song that connects with people?’ Nothing about album sales, but what does it take to really communicate and speak to people, ‘cause I’d never had that experience as a song writer. For us [Thirty Seconds To Mars], we were always on the left and most people didn’t understand what we were doing at that point. They just thought we were weirdos – which I guess we are – but I went into the bus after that and I sat down, and picked up my acoustic guitar. The rest of the band went to bed because it was really early and no one was used to getting up at that time. I sat down with the acoustic guitar, and the very first chords that came out and lyrics and the song was The Kill. And I think that came out of my frustration that I was having at that time with myself as an artist; my frustration [with my] inability to communicate. I was trapped, a little bit, in the world of the obtuse. It was a very important moment.”
This is exactly how I feel right now. Trapped in the world of the obtuse. Trapped in a life that I did not intend, and do not enjoy. Sure, there are elements that I like. There are even elements that I love. But this, for the most part, is not what I want out of life. I don’t want to wake up and hate the day before it’s even begun. I don’t want to spend my life stealing moments to write under the cover of darkness. I want it to be the only thing I do. I want to live and breathe words. I want it to be my passion, my desire, my dream, my life. It’s already the first three. So how do I make it the fourth?
The question is, actually, how I do I stop making excuses for why it can’t be the fourth. How do I get past all the other garbage that it bogging me down and start living the life that I want. How do I become the person that I want to be. That I need to be.
How do I break free.
And that right there is the crux of the matter. How do I break free of the things that are holding me back, without breaking too far and risking everything? I mean it’s not exactly smart to quit your day job, even when you are published. A very very small percentage of writers actually earn enough to live on their words alone. So that’s clearly not an option. But neither is staying here in the obtuse. I don’t want to get to 50 (or even 30!) and wish. I wish I had pursued this. I wish I’d had the courage to fight for what I believed in. I wish my life was different.
No. Stuff that for a joke. I’m not going to spend my life sitting back and wishing things were different. I’m going to make them different. I going to BE the person I WANT to be. This is who I really am inside. I am a writer. Maybe even an author. Anything less than that is unacceptable. Anything less than that and I am not being the person I was born to be.
Anything less than that and I’m going to kick my own ass. Time to do or die.
TITLE LYRICS: 'Do Or Die' by Thirty Seconds To Mars
This short film is saving my life right now. I love you, Bartholomew.
Quote taken from an '07 AndPOP interview: